


top twenty male names and other such topics

by aeltaiir



Category: Daredevil (TV), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, One Shot, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker-centric, Short One Shot, Somewhat, Teen Peter Parker, Trans Male Character, Trans Peter Parker, and talks of it, or thoughts from it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:20:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25661251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aeltaiir/pseuds/aeltaiir
Summary: “Think Peter fits me?” he asks offhandedly, still fiddling.“I think so, Peter. You’re Peter,” and that’s nice but is he? “But you can be something else if that’s what you want,” Foggy offers. Peter thinks he gets more of it than most might.He wouldn’t be though, something else, would he? Even when he went by another name he still was “him” just not the name. He is always himself just now he can be himself as well as Peter. Maybe he can be not Peter but he still would be himself.“Yeah. Maybe,”---Peter's experience being trans and just being. The feeling of wanting to change something, anything, just to control what seems to be uncontrollable and other such thoughts.
Relationships: Matt Murdock & Peter Parker, Ned Leeds & Peter Parker
Comments: 3
Kudos: 109





	top twenty male names and other such topics

**Author's Note:**

> some thoughts about being trans. may make some uncomfortable as they're not all from a place of mental well-being. stay safe and take care of yourself.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own the characters nor the universe and ideas and I make no money off of this.

Peter wants a good name. Or a better name. Maybe just a new name, he’s honestly not quite sure right now, and admits as much to Ned, texting him in the early (late?) hours of the morning one day, speaking in hushed voices when Ned calls.

“What’s wrong with Peter?”

Nothing, not really.

“Then why change?”

Just. I dunno dude. Maybe I just wanna change something that I can actually change, you know?

“Think so?”

Yeah.

“Well, I mean if you want to you know I’ll call you whatever you want,”

I know. Thanks, Ned.

“Course,”

Peter nods and hangs up, hoping Ned won’t be too tired at school the next day. Hopefully, he won’t be either, he thinks to himself, even as he opens up a naming website instead of laying back down.

\---

“Would you ever change your name?” he asks Foggy, because apparently last names are banned here, one day while fiddling with Matt’s laptop and braille display.

Peter doesn’t idolize Foggy, he really doesn’t. At least, not much. It’s just, he has long hair. And wears nail polish sometimes. And just is cool. Peter may be just a little jealous.

“Me? No, don’t think so. Always worked for me,”

Hm. That makes sense.

“Think Peter fits me?” he asks offhandedly, still fiddling.

“I think so, Peter. You’re Peter,” and that’s nice but is he? “But you can be something else if that’s what you want,” Foggy offers. Peter thinks he gets more of it than most might.

He wouldn’t be though, something else, would he? Even when he went by another name he still was “him” just not the name. He is always himself just now he can be himself as well as Peter. Maybe he can be not Peter but he still would be himself.

“Yeah. Maybe,”

\---

“Still can’t believe you chose a couple of lawyers over me,” Tony gripes one day when Peter stopped by to make his webs. They’re not exactly cheap but, thankfully, Mr. Stark is happy to let him ravage his materials and take what he needs. He dropped the Stark internship formally after he started going out more for patrol, though he still stops by when he can and Tony lets him use the lab space.

“Have you ever questioned?” He asks because first of all, he wants him to stop muttering, and second of all, he wants to know.

“Like, sexuality?”

“Gender,”

“Ah, no, can’t say that I really have. Sexuality yeah, gender? Not really. Sorry,”

Peter hums and continues stirring. Figures. He does admire Tony, quite a lot really. He’s confident in how he looks and acts, even if he hides behind masks more often than not. At least he’s confident in those masks, and that is something Peter can admire.

“Why?”

“No real reason,”

\---

Ned gets it the most. Probably because Peter is the most transparent about everything with him. He told Ned first.

He tells him his fears and concerns and how he knows he is a “he” but then again what if he’s wrong, and how it’s getting worse lately for no good reason except his brain being a jerk, and how his ribs hurt and he can’t wait until he goes to college and maybe gets a job and can pay for T or top and wouldn’t that be great?

It’s a good relationship, him and Ned. No secrets, especially after he found out about Spider-Man. After he came out to Ned in junior year there was even less. But it’s good. Ned shares his thoughts and fears and Peter shares his.

\---

Swinging is freedom.

It really is, the wind brushing away all of his thoughts until there is nothing left but the rush and thrill that it leaves him.

Today, however, it isn’t working.

He ends up on the top of a building, spider sense going crazy even though there isn’t any external threat.

It goes up and down, his feelings. Some days it’s great. Other days not so much. Some days it can vary from hour to hour, minute to minute. He tries to ignore it though, and Ned and Mj and May are a big help but it never will truly be okay, will it, and isn’t that the crux of the issue.

He can focus on pronouns and names until the end of the day but genetics? His childhood? How he grew up, his memories, his pictures? Those will never change. He knows it doesn’t matter, or at least that’s what he’s told. But still. It’s rough sometimes.

Peter gets up after twenty minutes and swings once again. It helps a little.

\---

Nelson and Murdock are stuck in the past, Peter decides, looking at their printer, currently disassembled as he tries to make it do something in the semblance of actually, you know, printing something, anything for crying out loud.

He only knows a little mechanics from Tony but it seems to be more than Foggy at least. Hardware or fixing? Sure, he’s got that. Anything electric though? That seems to be Peter’s job now.

Matt offered more than once, to be fair, and did say he knows mechanics and all, but then again, Peter is the intern and this is very intern-y stuff. So. Printer.

Besides, it’s kinda fun. Mostly.

Foggy is late this day, but comes in just as Peter is screwing the side back onto the newly working printer. His hair is in a ponytail today and Peter smiles up at him from where he’s crouched on the floor.

Really, he doesn’t idolize. Just. Looks up to.

“Hey kid, oh, hey, did you get it working?”

“Yep, all good and printing,”

“Nice, nice, good job,”

He’s wearing blue nail polish today.

Peter asked him why he wears it sometimes one day, a little while ago.

“I don’t know, sometimes it’s fun, you know?” was the answer with a tacked-on “Besides, no official dress code, really,” and then an offer to lend Peter some. He said thanks but he was fine. Maybe later.

\---

“You okay?” Matt asks one day, as Peter sits reading over some files. He should have known there would be this much paperwork.

“I’m fine,” Peter says because he isn’t but he can’t tell if the man is asking him as a courtesy or because he’s actually concerned. They don’t know each other that well, not really. Peter knows about his nightlife and he interns for the man but that's about it.

He isn’t really fine, though. Senior photos were today which, normally would be fine. But the school still hasn’t updated his file so they were expecting someone else and wouldn’t let him keep his button-up. “It’s supposed to be uniform they said,” and Peter nearly punched them by the end. “What does it matter if I wear it though?” Aparetally it would be the end of the world.

Half an hour later and they let him take it with the button up, but the experience still wore Peter down more than he’d like to admit.

Matt nods and leaves him.

“I’m going to pick up lunch, want to come?” Matt asks about an hour later.

They normally just order or bring their own but Peter nods anyways. The files weren’t exactly thrilling.

They’re halfway to the place before Matt talks about it.

“I know I’m an adult and all but if you ever need anything or just want to talk you can talk to me, if you want,” he offers and Peter can see how he manages to charm and calm half their clients, with his both easy going and approachable aura.

“Thanks,” Peter responds, hoping his smile is heard, and he is.

\---

Honestly, it’s a miracle he got the name Spider- _Man_ in the first place, Peter thinks to himself as he swings through the evening breeze.

He credits the fact that he has a naturally flatter chest than most and the fact that he always binds while swinging, even if it was a bit bigger than a normal binder. He made sure he was able to because if there was anywhere he’d get a fresh slate for how people saw him it would be there. If that meant he couldn’t bind at school then so be it, he had jackets.

He was glad though. Spider- _Man_.

\---

Peter likes makeup. He doesn’t really wear it though, not bothering to learn how to apply eyeshadow or anything, but he does know how to put on eyeliner, something he can probably credit to his emo phase.

The last time he wore it out the barista called him Miss.

He still wears it occasionally during patrol though, under the protective spandex and shielded by the opaque eye pieces, smudging over his face throughout the night and never being seen by any other person, save the occasional other vigilante when need be.

He enjoys it.

\---

Peter doesn't want to be a lawyer. Not exactly. However, he does want to help people. That’s why he became an intern where he did, a place with more pro bono work than anywhere else near him.

He does want to help people, but he isn't sure if this is how he wants to do it.

Still. It's a good start.

Doesn't look too bad on college apps either, he supposes.

\---

He doesn't really know too many people who are trans.

Well, that’s not true. He always has the internet.

But it always seems like the ratio on the internet and the ration in real life is skewed. Selective crowds perhaps.

Sometimes he wishes he did. Have someone who got it just a little more intimately, a little more personally, a little. Just more.

Still. The people he does have learn, they really do, and he knows they try. And it does help.

\---

“Maybe I won’t change my name,” he says to Ned over the phone one night, stopping on a rooftop after swinging for a while.

“No?”

“Nope,”

“Any reason?”

“Not really,”

“Sounds good?”

“Yeah” Peter nods. “Think so.”

“Sweet,” Ned says, with a smile in his voice.

Yeah. Probably is, isn't it.

**Author's Note:**

> note before my usual note: i know i had peter say he can never "fix" his genetics. I am not saying you need to. I am simply bringing to light something that i know some people struggle with - the fact that chromosomes cannot be changed can be a hard one to deal with sometimes.
> 
> was this basically just me being tired for a whole fic ? yes. anyways. think this was my least linear fic yet. more just thoughts complied i suppose, centered around the name. maybe it works maybe it doesn't. hope you enjoyed though :)
> 
> still not proofread. probably will be. sometime. maybe.


End file.
